Stone Girl

 I was searching through Google pictures just a few minutes ago and I stumbled over this picture, the first thing I thought when I first saw it was “okay regular female statue”, and quickly pressed backspace taking me back to my search engine; but then I rethought the picture and decided to take another look. Clicking on it again.

Staring at a it for a few minutes, made me begin to realize there is more to this picture then the first apparent statue.

1. It represents a female (obviously) sitting in the middle of a normally busy site. But now completely left abounded and open for an active mind to wonder. Sometimes a good thing, but in certain moments can bring about a different outcome.

2. She is sitting alone, no one around, no one to talk to, no one caring.

3. In black and white, giving it a very thoughtful look. This look is also pulled off because of the way the girl is sitting. Holding herself in a way, many do when thinking.

4. Looking out onto this open area.

Now after actually taking in the picture like the photographer intended it to be taken. I grasp the emotion of the picture, seeing what he saw, and understanding why it was taken.

I believe this picture to be showing that; even though things aren’t working all that well, and you feel like you are standing still and everything is going on around you, things still happen to you. Even though you happen to be in the background right now, you might be the center of the “picture” at times. And even though you are at the back right now you are seeing all the things out in front of you, all that is happening, and preparing you for the center roll.

              For You I Will

Telling someone they mean everything to you, and you can’t live without them; it’s just telling yourself that you are stuck on one idea, and you don’t want to except the fact that you will never have them completely to yourself; there will always be some excuse pushing you out of their thought process. I was talking to one of my friends today, she was explaining that she couldn’t understand why she has been feeling sick the last few days. But then she had a break through and is now stuck on the idea that she is heart broken over some guy. A guy she claims to have known longer than she can remember but being her best friend I have just now heard of him for the first time.

Being the best friend and all I have to help in anyway that I can. But right now I’m so confused because she tells me one day that she is over him and things are going to just go on like normal. Then the next day she is sending me a crazy long text message saying she can’t live without him, and her body is subconsciously hurting from the withdraws from his touch. I know the feeling for the want of a males touch, but believing that he is the reason for my friend not eating or doing anything normal is just a superstition.

It scares me to think that my friend is willing to do anything for a guy she really doesn’t know all that well, or at least I don’t believe she knows him well enough to be going through ALL this trouble for him. She freaks out when she can’t be around him every single second of the day, but then she is terrified to be around him when she has the chance. Some people would call that a crush, I call that obsessed for reasons unexplained. Quite honestly as harsh as it is, I think she is just looking for attention from the male species, she hasn’t been around too many of that gene pool lately and she is sucking it for all it’s worth. And that’s not the kind of relationship or scheme she needs to be looking forward to.

I’m frightened for her. I’m scared to think that she believes she is happy with this guy and the effects he brings everyday. I tell myself that things are new, things are starting over and it’s all going to change after the sun rises the next morning. Then I roll out of bed and realize I haven’t escaped the empty feeling of being alone myself; but yet again feeling over joyed that my friend has found someone, even if things aren’t going like I think they should, but I guess that’s why she is in the middle of it and I’m just a spectator.

                                                                        Are you the one outside the window watching the action?

……For You I Will…Till The End…My Friend…

 

 

 Plugged In?

… … … …Why is it that music is better than medicine. Seems to cure so much more then a little aqua and a small caplet would. Almost any situation can be thought to have a music backdrop on it; or everything has a theme song. I mean TV shows, and movies are a given, but think about your perfect moment; or a first loves kiss; can’t you seem to hear a melody?

Everything was set to music, it was meant that way. Even if you have to personalize it with head phones or sing along with one of your favorites in the car; your life was meant to be harmonized; and put to words.

Don’t let anyone ever tell you, you can’t sing. Because that’s just a realization that they have given up on their inner song. They have given up on trying to write out their life to a certain beat. Not just songs, lives too have different verses, don’t forget the words….                

                                                                                          

                                                                                  Make up your own!

Two Words…

Two words, meaning one…forever

Today I was watching a wedding show with my mother. I think it’s called Platinum Weddings. I started watching on a part where one of the couples was talking about how the rings represent the marriage itself. the outside band of the ring may get scratched and scarred but the inside band will always be clean and shiny, just like new. I think it was explaining that love has two sides. It can make you hurt and have a few marks you would rather not show, but then turn it over and see the other side of things and you realize that it’s all good and fun; surprisingly showing you that things could be okay in the end.

Kind of ironic that a ring is circular and everyone says that life is a never ending circle. 

                                           Is it a sign?

Won’t be on much….Grounded!

 

Light One

Nothing special today, everyone has something to do considering it’s the fourth of July. So I won’t make it long…

Everyone wonders why fireworks catch their eye so much more then say…a normal light…it’s because of the different colors the different shapes…well aren’t fireworks like dreams? All different; all with a unique ending?

The fourth of July is also known as Independence Day…The new beginning! Shouldn’t today be the day for a new dream?                                Light one now!

 

 Up…And…Down

Sadly enough I’m beginning to memorize my shoe collection, as small as it may be. I catch myself staring at my shoes a lot lately. But then I began to think…my shoes represent my life; my heart; and my all around being.

Been stepped on, worn down, and used many times but still ready for the next days trip.

But then I realized this pair of shoes will someday be thrown out and replaced. Will that be my future? Forgotten? Left behind?

It scares me to think that I could just be left behind like an old style. Just because I have been through a lot and used for many reasons doesn’t mean I don’t have some life and employ left in me.

Don’t people always say, you can’t understand someone till you have walked around in their shoes? Well wouldn’t you rather it be a pair of shoes that they have lived a short time in, or a lifetime in?

                                                       Which would you rather wear?

Sorrow

About two days ago I wrote this message to a friend, or at least I used to think of him as a friend; but now I can’t be sure. He thought he knew me and he judged me on his own life experiences. He told me all I needed in life was a great personality, and good looks, which I already had. I told him I needed love…he laughed at me! This was my reply…

 

“Listen I know you think that a great personality and great looks get you everything in life, just like the movies show you, but I have personally found out that there has to be more to get to the greater things in life. I have thought about this longer than I would have hoped…but I have figured out that you need so much more then looks and a knack of talking to people on a personal level.

Yes I’m different than most people, I can relate to people, all people, with all different problems and personalities. But there is more to life than friendship. I NEED LOVE…and that is one thing that I can’t just look on Google to find. I need to find it in myself, and no one is willing to give me the time of day or the space required to do just that. I’m sorry if I’m coming off as a bitch but simply enough I don’t want to talk about my problems, I just want to wallow in my own darkness. It’s deep enough that I can see myself gone tomorrow, but then shallow enough I can see myself standing safely on the bottom of life.

A lot of things are happening to me right now…and like I said I honestly don’t care if anyone knows…and I honestly don’t care if you ask, because then I will just write you another message like this explaining that my life sucks, but because of my morals I will never have enough courage to end it.

Please for now, just give me time and space to find out if I can float or sink in my own life.”

 

Now that I reread this I realize that life is like a baby pool. Shallow enough that we can swim in it and enjoy ourselves, but then always deep enough to cause problems. A lot of things go into the water and many more things come out of it. Experiences! Life! Swim everyday like you can’t have another, and make sure you know when the next wave is coming in.             Wear a life jacket!

Welcome To My Blog…

I’m very open minded, and surprisingly understanding sometimes. I have gone through a lot more then most people would ever expect after meeting me for the first time. After a certain time I put these people up to a challenge…I find out if they really know what they are getting themselves into…I ask them to read this…

“For the lack of a better term, my life is theirs. Without them, there is no me, and also in reverse. Times have always changed, and things have followed the same path, but I fear that in the end…I’m still going to be the one under the entire wrath.

Feeling for people like I do…I feel numb under my own eye. Seeing only what I fear, and how fast it really does come near. Pages after pages I read, searching for the answer, but yet again only finding the question itself, once more asking…why me? Two ways to look, two ways to think, why is I only see one without a wink.

Answers are given, times are spent, things seem resolved, but in the end…it was the feelings that just went.”

People always tell me, that it’s really deep, but then I ask them to elaborate…and they then come clean and tell me they don’t understand the idea I’m trying to express! And then I tell them they don’t “understand the idea” of me. I wrote this about a year ago to a friend that was asking me who I was; where I was going; and what I was going to do next. I wrote this to him, and he told me he didn’t understand me, I was too confusing for him.                   I haven’t talked to him in about a year now.                 

This is only a piece of “my” puzzle. No one will ever find the missing pieces…at least…no one has yet. I opened up about a year ago to that guy I just mentioned and he burned me harder then I would have eternally expected. He was and is the reason I can’t open up to people the way I used to when I was younger. I almost find myself thanking him some days, but then again slapping myself for ever thinking that he helped me become the person I am today.

I have asked every single one of the guys I have ever dated to read this…not ONE of them has been able to comprehend who I really am, even though they have dated me, been with me more than anyone else, and have fell for me.

                                They don’t know me………

So please don’t think after you have read this blog, and maybe re-read this blog, that you know me…My “missing pieces” are missing for a reason. They should not be found, they need not be found by the likes of people that think opening up is easy, or that it’s a safe matter. I have learned that mystery can be a good thing up to a certain point, but too secretive can be treacherous.

                                   Be who you are…Not what they are….