Sorrow

About two days ago I wrote this message to a friend, or at least I used to think of him as a friend; but now I can’t be sure. He thought he knew me and he judged me on his own life experiences. He told me all I needed in life was a great personality, and good looks, which I already had. I told him I needed love…he laughed at me! This was my reply…

 

“Listen I know you think that a great personality and great looks get you everything in life, just like the movies show you, but I have personally found out that there has to be more to get to the greater things in life. I have thought about this longer than I would have hoped…but I have figured out that you need so much more then looks and a knack of talking to people on a personal level.

Yes I’m different than most people, I can relate to people, all people, with all different problems and personalities. But there is more to life than friendship. I NEED LOVE…and that is one thing that I can’t just look on Google to find. I need to find it in myself, and no one is willing to give me the time of day or the space required to do just that. I’m sorry if I’m coming off as a bitch but simply enough I don’t want to talk about my problems, I just want to wallow in my own darkness. It’s deep enough that I can see myself gone tomorrow, but then shallow enough I can see myself standing safely on the bottom of life.

A lot of things are happening to me right now…and like I said I honestly don’t care if anyone knows…and I honestly don’t care if you ask, because then I will just write you another message like this explaining that my life sucks, but because of my morals I will never have enough courage to end it.

Please for now, just give me time and space to find out if I can float or sink in my own life.”

 

Now that I reread this I realize that life is like a baby pool. Shallow enough that we can swim in it and enjoy ourselves, but then always deep enough to cause problems. A lot of things go into the water and many more things come out of it. Experiences! Life! Swim everyday like you can’t have another, and make sure you know when the next wave is coming in.             Wear a life jacket!

Welcome To My Blog…

I’m very open minded, and surprisingly understanding sometimes. I have gone through a lot more then most people would ever expect after meeting me for the first time. After a certain time I put these people up to a challenge…I find out if they really know what they are getting themselves into…I ask them to read this…

“For the lack of a better term, my life is theirs. Without them, there is no me, and also in reverse. Times have always changed, and things have followed the same path, but I fear that in the end…I’m still going to be the one under the entire wrath.

Feeling for people like I do…I feel numb under my own eye. Seeing only what I fear, and how fast it really does come near. Pages after pages I read, searching for the answer, but yet again only finding the question itself, once more asking…why me? Two ways to look, two ways to think, why is I only see one without a wink.

Answers are given, times are spent, things seem resolved, but in the end…it was the feelings that just went.”

People always tell me, that it’s really deep, but then I ask them to elaborate…and they then come clean and tell me they don’t understand the idea I’m trying to express! And then I tell them they don’t “understand the idea” of me. I wrote this about a year ago to a friend that was asking me who I was; where I was going; and what I was going to do next. I wrote this to him, and he told me he didn’t understand me, I was too confusing for him.                   I haven’t talked to him in about a year now.                 

This is only a piece of “my” puzzle. No one will ever find the missing pieces…at least…no one has yet. I opened up about a year ago to that guy I just mentioned and he burned me harder then I would have eternally expected. He was and is the reason I can’t open up to people the way I used to when I was younger. I almost find myself thanking him some days, but then again slapping myself for ever thinking that he helped me become the person I am today.

I have asked every single one of the guys I have ever dated to read this…not ONE of them has been able to comprehend who I really am, even though they have dated me, been with me more than anyone else, and have fell for me.

                                They don’t know me………

So please don’t think after you have read this blog, and maybe re-read this blog, that you know me…My “missing pieces” are missing for a reason. They should not be found, they need not be found by the likes of people that think opening up is easy, or that it’s a safe matter. I have learned that mystery can be a good thing up to a certain point, but too secretive can be treacherous.

                                   Be who you are…Not what they are….