Someday

-He tells me he isn’t scared, but yet he fears the future. He wants to see me, he can’t live without me but won’t leave in fear of them forgetting him. He worries what they think. A few extra pounds doesn’t define a person, but how much their hearts weights does. He wants to be “normal” but doesn’t realize how much of himself he is giving up just to get there. A map he is willing to follow, but one map that has no key.

-I try to help, to tell him things will work out between us and he tells me…someday.

-Someday…What does they really mean? That someday things will truly work out or that in fact someday I will completely forget about what could have happened. The idea of not seeing my long dreamed about future coming true is horrifying. Letting go of all those thoughts, those feelings, and sadly enough those hopes.

-He tells me someday, I hope for someday soon. He tells me not to worry he isn’t scared, but I see the questions is his eyes night after night. I dream about those eyes and the questions they ponder. Knowing not of the answer but of a hopeful end. Someday we will be together…and if not him…WHO!

Someday!

Hiding Behind Blue…

Hiding behind my baby blues for years I have learned many things. Things I wish I could relearn, or never learn; either way they are forever engraved in my memory. I have been through so much, but yet so little.  So little that I’m labeled as naive, but so much that I’m labeled as a master of my time.

Only explaining that I still have a life time ahead of me. And that single sentence scares me more than anyone will ever realize.

I’m the type of person that will hid from something as long as possible, I’m noncomfrontational. My parents tell me I get it from them, but neither of them seem to have problems with anything, they are my parents. I think I get it from fear; fear of being hurt again.

That Night…

That night I told I was there for you, I told you I would hold your hand through the tough times; and you gave me a dial tone. You showed me what I really meant to you. Nothing more than a sound on the other end of the call.

You tell me there is hope in the future. You tell me everything will be better when the sun finally raises once more. Best friend. You hold my hand everytime; everytime he breaks another piece of my glued heart. You were there. Thank you.

He thinks nothing is wrong. He only thinks of himself. He knows he did wrong, but still smiles in the halls. Everything back to normal? Why tell me sorry when you are just setting me up for another waste of a perfectly good bandaid. That I have found does nothing for broken dreams and spent tears.

She crys. Hoping for someone to listen. Hoping for a break in the endless chain. The chain that has held her down, the chain that has stopped her from that dreamed of step forward. She can’t break free. In search of the key. In search of……..

                                 You’re the one that judges……You tell me!

                                      I’m ME

One thing that I do know is that things happen for a reason, but sometimes the things that happen would have been better unexplored. It’s almost more than I can take, the events that happen shouldn’t have ever been considered by the Gods. they control life as we know it, sadly enough I have come to believe they are the reason why I cry myself to sleep night after night. I can’t take this feeling anymore! I can’t believe that I have lived this way for so long.

I have hid from my feelings for too long and I’m tired of feeling and telling myself that I’m the only one with the this problem. I know there are other people out there that are going through the same thing I am but I’m scared to open up again. I’m scared to volunteeringly send out an invite to get hurt again; to start this process of finding myself over once more.

But I’m finally ready to say that no matter what happens I’ll still have the comfort of my tears at night, and my fake smile during the daylight. No matter who pushes me down, no matter who tries to wipe away my teasrs, I’m FINALLY confident enough to say…No one can change me, even if I’m messed up, or really the person I’m supposed to be.

                                                                        …I’m ME…

                                                  I love you?

Three words that used to mean so much to people, used to mean everything and some, but now days I feel its only a saying between friends, or a joking matter. You see people now days putting ily (i love you) at the end of text messages to friends/foes. Or just saying it because someone did something nice for you.

Does it really mean that little to people now….?

Three words that used to mean so much to people…to me…has become nothing more then a simple and heartfealt goodbye.

I was going through my pictures that I had on my computer, and came across this one…it really made me think of previous relationships, as much as I want to try and hid from those times, I thought about them and the feelings I had back then. I remember being with my first boyfriend and how lucky I thought I was to be saying these three simple words to him daily, thinking that I really was in love…but now I come to realize I was blinded by my own stupidity. Love takes a lot more then most people realize! Sadly enough no one has been able to understand completely what love feels like or looks like so you know when you are in the midst of it.

All I can say is that when I saw this picture I really began to ponder the real idea of relationships. Because you have to go through all the bad times to experience and in fact imbrace the feeling of truly being in love. Honestly I don’t think that I have ever been in love, or even began to feel the real warmth of it’s presents, but I hope the best for myself and others in this life long search for that one person that really makes you want to say “I love you” to every morning and night, hoping you will make it through another day as happy as you were the last.

                                               Have you ever been in love?

                                          Higher Power

Sometimes I wonder why things are the way they are. Who decides the outcome of all power and we are told early on that we control our own lives; but sometimes I really wonder if we have any control at all.

Who made…life as it is…God right? And we are taught to love and believe in this one man that one, no one has seen and two, who is dead. I’m NOT saying that God is a bad guy and is out to get the things he souly created I’m just saying is he the reason our lives are the way they are?

Parents teach their kids at an early age that actions most of the time result in a consequence. And I realize that most of the opporunities we have in life are from our own previous actions. BUT…that’s MOST…there are a few times when unexpected things happen; who caused those? And then it makes you wonder, are you actually controlling your own actions? God made us….

Once again I’m not saying that God is a bad guy or that he is the soul reason our lives are the way they are. I just sometimes wonder…

                                                                   Why am I going through this?!?

                                           Alone

Ever noticed that when you find yourself all alone, you can’t seem to find someone to listen to your thoughts, your feelings, or your dreams of hope?  Every time you find yourself alone it seems the world has completely shut you out and you can’t seem to find the way out.

I found this picture the other night just randomally looking on Google. The first and only thing that came to mind when I saw it was how it really shows what I’m feeling when I’m left alone to my own thoughts, and fears; completely trapped behind a closed door. One I can’t find the key to, the one I can’t seem to open. 

I now feel lonely, only with the company of my thoughts and fears of my life ahead.  I can’t seem to shake the feeling of being left behind when my friends say goodbye for the last time, when they finally realize they have a future, and I stand back and wave, knowing I may never see them again, but then also knowing they will someday live the life they planned from the beginning. Everything seems to be working in their favor, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep like it’s a habit. They smile and I see the flaws, they laugh and I can’t help but wish I knew the joke behind it all, they have dreams and I have night mares. They have a future and I have a soaked pillow.

I wish so much for my friends, but then I wonder if they are the only reason I have a life at all. I realize they are the reason for the way I am, but are they the ONLY reason I’m still living…living the way I do? Friends are supposed to change you for the good, but I fear that I’m running in the wrong direction, trying to show them who I am…but who I’m really not.

I try to impress, but yet I’m the only one with the depress? I can’t understand why I feel lonely, I have friends that love me, but no one that really understands me. I search for someone, I find a dead end; and once again find myself closed behind that door. The one I have unforunitely lost the key to.

Everyone says “you hold the key to my heart” but I want to know…where is my key…I know my heart is never going to closed off to love..I can’t risk missing something. But where is my key, the one to up my life and show me to the other side, the other side of living and to a place where the sun actually does shine.

                                                              Don’t loose your key…

                                                                        You will need it someday….

                Got A Wall Up?

Found this picture off a deviantart.com today and couldn’t stop thinking about the idea of having a wall between the people you love; obviously because that is what this picture is portraying.

But than I began to really ponder this picture and the message it is trying to illustrate. I believe it shows that even though people have feelings for each other and even sometimes love comes into play you still can’t help but put a wall in the way. It’s for your own protection; your own sake; just to keep you well awake to the feelings that begin to demonstrate. The feelings that begin to develop even though you try and push them aside; to tell yourself they aren’t real and you can forget about them. All I can say is good luck.

I understand why people put a wall up. They hid. They are ashamed of the problems they have, they don’t want to accept the fact that they are different from the cookie cutter image. They hid. They find something else to hid behind if not a wall; a different person, someone they can hold on to and eventually get attached to. They find love. They find a meaning. The find life.

Until all hell breaks loose, and that certain person decides to run in the opposite direction leaving everything that once was perfect now a living night mare for the other. Bringing back all the lies…the hate…the disappointment…and disapproval of all. Showing again that life is hard and bringing back the idea of the wall, the one thing that used to bring comfort and bliss, but now conveys a darkening feeling. Because now you wonder who that next person is going to be; that is going to break down that barrier, that one person that is going to make you feel comfortable enough to open up again; and that one person that is going to make you hurt the most in the end.

It only takes one time to scare you for the rest of your life. Just be careful of who you open up to. Just because they think they know you, or they think they understand the feelings you are going through. They have NO idea. Everything varies from one person to another, and many people believe they know all. But let me tell you something; if they knew all they wouldn’t be standing in front of YOU explaining that you should open up to them. Wouldn’t you think that if they knew everything they would be a little bit more prominent?

                                                   Don’t open the door to just anyone…

                         Half Empty…Half Full

I was pondering something earlier today and I couldn’t help but not write about it when I finally got the chance.

The only thing that really made me start to consider this was when I was sitting at the breakfast table this morning staring at my glass of milk. After a while I remembered the metaphor referring to life as a half empty or half full glass.

I began to ponder this thought, thinking to myself that things are a lot like that metaphor because life can be full at times, but then the empty feeling can also apply. I continued to think about this as the day went on and I came to realize that this figure of speech is more actuate then I first came to understand.

If the glass is half empty, life is understood to be uneventful and boring, but yet if thought about deeper it is also thought to represent the feeling of being left behind; forgotten or pushed aside to make room for another memory or contemplation. If you think about the glass being half empty when you see it, it’s not always bad news though, don’t worry…most people think that. The human species is like that, we are naturally greedy; we want more out of life. Everyone does, everyone has dreams and hopes for the future, even if its only a selfless need for fulfillment in their glassware.

But then again if you think of things half full, life is thought to be upbeat and opportunistic. But yet again if thought about a little deeper it is a realization that things can be better and times can change. But after I thought about this side for a while I came to realize there was a flaw in even my own mind. Even though the glass is already thought to be half full there is still room for improvment. Eveyone tries to be the best and on top, so even though things seem to be okay, the people that take life this way are the ones that are struggling the most with life; that are trying the hardest to get their head above water (pun). Obviously no matter how you think about a situation there are always loop holes and times when everything could be turned upside down to reavile the very opposite of the answer you just upturned.

All I’m saying is that even though you may think differently than someone else with the same aspiration it doesn’t mean they are wrong or that you may be. It’s just that different people have different problems, and everyone is going to take it a different way. Even if you believe yourself to understand what the other person is going through, nothing is going to have the exact same feeling. So if your glass is half empty or half full, life will continue to go on and things will work themselves out.

                                          Is your glass half empty or half full…….?

                                        Egotistical Texting

“I miss u”

“rly”

“more than u no”

Finger tips…meet…key pad…something happens…egotistical texting

Tell me why is it when their finger tips touch a key pad, their level of self esteem rises? Everything changes, even emotions. You get the typical messages back and forth. Then you start to talk about something actually worth while and their ego starts to show. That’s why texting relationships never work! I have come to believe that if you base your solo communication key on texting with your significant other your relationship is bound to head south.

Don’t let your last words be your signature…be original

                                                                   CALL……..